im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
