How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
