i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
