i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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