I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I cannot find my penis.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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