I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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