I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
