Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
