i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
