im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
