I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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