i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
