Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
