I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
