I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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