If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
