I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
