Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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