Screwed.edu
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The air taste purple.
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