nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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