FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
