I wish I only lived at night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we're making bets on your personal life
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
be right there i have to get my cape
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
