Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
