i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
