i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
