Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
