i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
