Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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