doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
false alarm, still single
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