After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
