so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
