She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
