went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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