He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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