Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
