You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
