so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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