All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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