I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
