At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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