You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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