So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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