I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
