Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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