My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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