just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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