My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
