I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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