I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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