I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
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there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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