she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
