I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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