she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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