i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
