I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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