i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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