Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
